Before he took me home the first time, he asked for permission
to steal my heart and I swore I wouldn’t press charges.
Two years ago, on a plane trip to Russia, I fell asleep on a stranger’s shoulder
and woke up with her hair in my mouth; she was too polite
to remove my body from hers.
Once you lose someone, they never return exactly as they were before,
even if you file a missing person’s report as soon as they wind up gone.
Anne Boleyn had six fingers, but I can only count on one five-fingered hand
the number of times I’ve felt good about myself.
When deer throw themselves against the windshield
and follow the pattern of your swerving,
are they committing suicide?
Is that possible?
I did end up calling 9-1-1 on Buddy Wakefield, actually, and the operator
said she knew his first, middle, and last names by heart.
My obsessive-compulsive tendencies consist of turning the light
on, then off, then on again 23 times in the course of a single night.
The only reason babies stick their fingers into sockets
when they’re younger isn’t out of curiosity: it’s so they can get
all that self-destructiveness out of their system before they turn seventeen.
I’m craving a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream right now,
but my culture has taught me that for every new calorie I consume,
my social worth drops one point lower.
Hey now, NRA, what’s more important: your guns or all these human
beings who get up every day and go to work and eat dinner
with their lovers and live and don’t ever feel the need to hold
a rifle in their hands and shoot at innocent bystanders?
You tell me why suicide prevention is such
a high priority on the list of every school in this country,
and I’ll tell you why I’m the Queen of England.
Because every A+ is more important
than learning how to hide the razors
in the back of the medicine cabinet.
When he kissed me, I felt a shock wave so deep
that not even a 9.8 on the Richter scale
could shake it out of me.