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letter to my future daughter when she wants to kill herself

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Someday I hope you’ll remove all the butterflies from your stomach

and count them up one by one, then place them in a manila envelope

to keep for all the times you need to feel something;

then you can let them free again. I wish you knew that loneliness

is a hell of a lot like soft-serve ice cream: it can be soothing

when you get it in small doses, but when you take too large

of a serving, you’ll end up making yourself sick.

Sometimes your body feels like a sunrise that hasn’t started

making its way out of the sky yet, but I promise you

that every ray of sun has to start somewhere,

even buried in the ground with the dirt and the insects,

so deep someone has to dig it out.

But someday someone is going to buy 20,000 shovels

and every single one is gonna be for you,

and they’ll bring every ray of sun, every cloud, to the surface again.

Honey, God himself probably bragged to the angels

when he created you, and even Satan

would want you to remain on Earth

so he could watch you from above and admire your beauty.

I know your heart feels so heavy sometimes that it’s

weighing down your throat like all those stones

in Virginia Woolf’s pockets, but that’s just the heaviness

of a heart that knows how to love

pretty damn much better than anybody else.

If there were a crash course in learning how to not hate yourself

at school, I’d want you to have the best teacher

in the entire world. Every time you take another pill

is another second you could have for getting better.

Every step you take to the top of the rooftop

is another step you could have taken

to get yourself back down.

And I know this self-hatred is luggage over the carrying capacity

at the airport, but someday you’ll learn how to remove

all the items you don’t need from its suitcases,

and stop breaking your back with its load.

There’s a reason God made humans with hands.

It’s so that every time they fall,

they can drag themselves back up again.


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