One. Every morning when I get out of bed and even think about walking
through my front door and crossing the street my heart starts to pound
like a jackhammer without the aid of any caffeine.
There are days when my own bed looks at me with disgust
as if each wrinkle in its sheets is ashamed of my cold feet
and shaking hands, when every streetlight seems to stay green just for me.
I am terrified of green lights because it means having to control a vehicle
when my own body is already enough to handle for one day.
Two. I’m awake enough at 6 am anyway because the weight
of all my mistakes is an echo I want to be able to rupture my eardrums
to stop listening to. At dawn I concentrate on my breathing
because it’s the only thing that has never walked out of my life
but every exhale is a reminder of the time I had to puff into a paper bag
during second grade when my heartbeat was a train
I couldn’t derail from the tracks.
Three. I don’t need another drug, no matter how delicious,
on top of the pills I’m already taking. Xanax, Lorazepam,
Klonopin. Their names sound exotic and beautiful,
like the ones my Indian neighbors were introduced with
at our block party seconds before I fled from the room in terror
of having to meet and shake hands with strangers.
Four. Drinking anything hot is an excuse to hurt myself,
to let it burn all the way down my throat like a ring of flame
as an excuse to punish myself for the eye contact
I didn’t make with the pizza delivery man after my parents forced me
to be the one to open the door and pay.
Even now I hate anything with pepperoni on it.
Five. Caffeine is just another thing to depend on, a comfort zone
to hide inside of like a circus ring, another daily routine
I’m too afraid of breaking. My spine is already pulled taut
like an arrow, bent under the weight of so many stifling habits.
I just hope that means one day I’ll fly.
I’m Starbucks’ worst customer. Now whenever someone asks me
whether I prefer decaf or regular, I say regular anyway
because it’s a synonym for normal
and that’s all I want to feel like right now.